It occured to me that the nature of love changes after children.  There are of course many kinds of love, and the kind of love that comes with children isn't always nice.  It's not always lo-ving.  It's not always kind.  Sometimes it's quite fierce, as it is when one's child is threatened.  Sometimes it's bone achingly sad, as when the parent must be seperated from the child.  Sometimes it gladdens the heart, like a kite in the bright blue sky, but never is it carefree.  Never is it without worry, or just an edge of anxiousness... apprehention, vigilance.

The nature of love changes, and the nature of love changes us.  Like balls of twine we are forever bound to our children, like an oyster we ache after the release of a pearl.  We're imprinted with their love, just like our windowpanes with little fingerprints.

Love with our partners changes too, we become less a couple and more a part of a story.  We're the beginning- the "once upon a time," and we are the framework around the young lives which depend on us. 

So this Valentine's Day I'm going to break with tradition and present you this valentine in the shape of a baby.  It's a portrait commission, but I want to use it to wish a happy valentine's day to all the families out there.  Especially those under difficulties or illness, or just those who stress too much out of love for their families.  Love is for lovers, but it's also for families, and I mean families of all variations.
May you feel peace and happiness today.

My son was born on February 21st 2007.  Much of it was quite joyous- hearing his cry for the first time, holding him against me and seeing his eyes.  Yet my son was born by c-section.  After he was born it took me two days until I was able to get up on my own and walk down the hallway without literally passing out.  I tried to watch a funny movie with my mother and was unable to laugh due to the pain of the incision.  I was unable to climb stairs afterwards, unable to walk with my new baby, unable to wear him in a wrap as I had hoped...

It took a full six weeks for me to fully recover.  It took me longer to recover some confidence in myself.

So in 2009 I was determined to birth my daughter naturally, in what is called a VBAC, (vaginal birth after cesarean.)  I had a one and a half year old son already, and I knew I would never be able to manage the kind of recovery I needed after the last cesarean.  I got in contact with some organizers of ICAN online (International Cesarean Awareness Network,) and my friend Krista Cornish, who is also the ICAN Education Director, (lucky me!)  She helped aleviate some of my stress, and helped reduce some of my worst fears.  My biggest obstacle was that I just couldn't imagine giving birth naturally, the act of pushing a baby out seemed so alien to me, because I had never succeeded with my son.  It felt impossible somehow.  Through the ICAN website I was able to read other women's v-bac stories and learned of all the successful cases out there. The happiness and glow of these positive outcomes- that's what finally melted my worries.  Because these were other women like me- not midwives, not health professionals.  I was able to relate and believe that I, too, could accomplish what they had.

And indeed I did!  November 29th 2009 I gave birth to my baby girl.  The labour was only five hours long and I can't even describe it as painful.  Intense was the appropriate word.  I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest.  I had proven to myself that I was NOT flawed, my body was capable and I was strong.  I thank ICAN for much of this confidence.  This was such a gift to me.  It's a gift I hope to share with others.

Please consider attending the 2011 ICAN Conference in St. Louis Missouri, April 8th -10th.  Early bird registration has been extended to February 9th!